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I was born at a relatively young age. Growing up consumed the better part of my childhood. As a young man I chased a lot of girls. But they kept getting away. Then I got older and even slower, so I got married. I've lived in New York City almost since before I moved here. I summer in Manhattan, which is like New York City, but with more humidity.

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Thus Spake Me: May 23, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
(God's column appears in this space, at this point, pretty much whenever He feels like it.)

A lot of you have been wondering: Is God Dead? Throughout history man has grappled with this question. It always seems that the times in which you live are less Godly than the olden times. Of course, if you read the bible carefully you know it’s really a book about flooding, plagues, pestilence, famine, and the occasional doomsday prophecy. In short, kind of like modern day New Orleans, without the boobies. So it isn’t as if things have gotten slowly bleaker over the past 3500 years, despite how pessimistic you may find yourself…

Of course, the zealous few of you who are most adamant that God remains in your midst seem to have an almost sexualized fetish with end times and the destruction of mankind, which if you ask Me, is pornography of the worst kind. You seem to want everyone ELSE to die, in order to prove you’ve been right all along about your faith in Me.

Hint: you are not right. God takes no pleasure in the prospect of a fiery hell on earth, and I wonder why some of you who think you are close to Me find that notion so beguiling. Maybe, if you fetishize a fiery hell on earth, you’re actually doing the work of that other fella. The one with the fancy suit and the trident.

Has God forsaken thee? No, I never do that. When I am away, it is generally because you have forsaken Me. Sometimes, it is because I want you to be alone with your thoughts for a spell. Why might I want that? Well, you have to look inside to figure that out. That’s kind of the point, isn’t it?

Anyway, I'm here now, and I'm jazzed! am I the only one who is all a-twitter over the release of the Da Vinci Code? I’ve already seen it twice. (I hate to spoil the ending, but let’s just say: the Catholics did it.) As usual, Ron Howard pulls his punches, and almost makes a really good movie.

Of course, debunking the book has become a cottage industry. Don’t people realize that the very fact that a work of fiction seems to merit debunking proves, a priori (pun intended), that there’s something here?

Let Me separate fact from fiction for you.

You can’t use “because it says so in the bible” to prove anything. The bible is selective, biased, incomplete, and poorly translated. And arbitrary with respect to what went in and what didn’t. I never understood why the Gospel of Mary or Phillip was left out; personally I find the Gnostic stuff far more compelling than all that passion play gore and nonsense.

Jesus and Mary were married. You can trust me on this; I was there. For those of you who think if Jesus was married the bible would have said so, allow Me to make two points: (1) Actually, a Jewish rabbi at the turn of the first millennium AD who was not married would have been sufficiently unusual to have merited note, not vice versa. Quite simply: no mention of Jesus's marital status in the bible argues FOR his marriage, not against; (2) If you understood enough about the ways and customs of the time, you’d realize that the bible leaves no doubt that Jesus and Mary were married. Sure, a regular Joe reading the bible in English 2,000 years after the fact might not get it; but a Hebrew reading the original at a time roughly contemporaneous with the writing would have had no such trouble. But then, don't go by the bible. Go by Me. I danced with the bride. She was lovely.

The Holy Grail is the bloodline of Christ. Seriously, you shouldn’t need me to tell you this. You already know that the grail is the receptacle of Christ’s blood. For goodness sake, have you never heard of metaphor? Because this one couldn’t be more clear. Didn’t you ever wonder what the legend of King Arthur had to do with a grail quest, if the grail was just a golden cup? Most of Europe’s kings traced—or attempted to trace—their lineage back to Christ. The quest for the bloodline of Christ was the quest for proof of divine right to kingship. That was what made them kings, especially in medieval, Christian Europe. I mean-- duh!

Da Vinci was a prankster. Among his best religious pranks, of course, was his use of the “black art” of alchemy—in this case now known as “photography”—to make the shroud of Turin. Was that really Mary Magdalene in the Last Supper? The important thing to remember is that the painting, like Dan Brown’s book, is fiction. Da Vinci was tweaking his nose at you in that painting, daring you to make the leap. Notice too, that even though the Last Supper was a Passover Seder, there is no wine glass at all in the painting (if you've ever been to a seder, you know the un-uttered fifth question is, "Why on this night do we get so drunk before the meal, even?") The literal chalice is quite conspicuous by its absence-- leaving you to make your own mind up about the metaphoric one.

Albinos make great villains. The killer in the Da Vinci Code is an albino member of the secretive Catholic sect Opus Dei. With all the fuss over the way the Da Vinci Code depicts Opus Dei, why isn’t anyone speaking out for the plight and persecution of the albino? Every time you see a juicy part for an albino in a film, inevitably it’s as the bad guy. What’s up with that?

******

By the way: a taco in Chile has womanly features, and next thing you know, pilgrims come from miles around flock to see the face of the Blessed Virgin. Yet God writes in a blog, and-- nothing. Zip. Nada. I don't get it. Maybe next time I'll appear in a bag of Doritos. Or on a podcast; those seem to be popular these days.

Posted by: --josh-- @ 3:43 PM  


4 Comments:
At 5/24/2006 11:54 PM, Anonymous Annie said...   

Dear God: I have never given up faith in you or thought you were dead, even though my ex-husband is still alive and has not yet been felled by that killer athlete's foot I asked you about a few years ago. God always hears our prayers. It's just that sometimes his answer is No.

But really, if you could send something in the way of increased alopecia or ED to Bruce N. up in Putnam County, it would be greatly appreciated. You know, if you WANTED to do something nice and just couldn't figure out what to get me.

Thanks.--ANNIE


At 5/30/2006 3:47 PM, Blogger Lanore said...   

Dear God,

It's about TIME you gave us a way to communicate directly and in clear and CERTAIN terms with you! I'm just not into reading tortillas--I much prefer eating them. Lord! I've been waiting for this for...eternity, I guess. I mean, Good LORD! I am FED UP with that Pat Robertson spewing stuff you supposedly revealed to him and not being able to ask you about it!

Let me just be honest here, Lord. I think Pat Robertson is about as close to you as I am with Donald Trump's wallet--and Lord you know that is, practically speaking, an impossible distance to bridge.

And what is it with this silliness that George W. Bush is your man? What is THAT about Lord? You must be gettin' pretty hard up for leaders if you picked George Bush for your man. I mean, Lord, wouldn't ANY woman have done a better job than that total screw up? 'Cuz frankly, God, if George Bush is your man, then I can no longer think of you as perfect. I know you work in mysterious ways and all that but not THAT mysterious.

Anyway, I'd sure appreciate a response from you. I'd like to be able to show a bit more credentials for speaking with you than Robertson has. I've read the Bible too, Lord, and he just seems to be reading from a totally different translation.

Peace,
Lanore


At 5/30/2006 5:21 PM, Blogger God said...   

The Lord has answered Lanore.


At 6/02/2006 2:57 PM, Blogger Lanore said...   

Hey, thanks God! Your generosity is overwhelming.


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