(God's column appears in this space every Friday.)

OK, this week, something you don’t see every day. God proving to you that you can’t take the bible literally…

First, let’s talk a little bit about the Literalists-- these wack jobs who don’t believe in evolution (and don’t blame me for them; I equipped most of them with working brains. But what you all do with your brains is in your hands, not Mine.) First off, it is important to note that while evolution is the lightning rod scientific issue for these kooks, they don’t believe in any scientific fact that clashes with a literal interpretation of the bible. For example, the Literalists also believe that I created the universe about six thousand years ago.

Hell, I built the pyramids 10,000 years ago. I invented music 357,000 years ago, for a great little horn player on the first planet orbiting Sirius B.

But this is a key point, so bear with Me here. Ponder if you will the vastness of the universe. It is, I not so humbly submit, some of My best work (far better than any of the parallel universes, with the possible exception of Bizzaro universe.) Think about how many stars there are in your own (measly little) galaxy. Consider that the nearest star to your earth, Alpha Centuri, is four light years away. Do you even know how far that is? That means it is so far away that it takes light four years to get from there to you. And light travels at the speed of light! If you were to look at Alpha Centuri, what you’re seeing happened there four years ago; the pictures are just getting to you now. Every ball game you’re seeing on any planet orbiting Alpha Centuri? It was over, years ago. Ask me, I’ll tell you the score. Season over. Most of the players traded or retired. And I hope you aren’t following their soap operas. Spoiler: Klynnkjo is really Snrfjb’s father. As well as mother.

And that’s the CLOSEST star.

How about the furthest star in your spoke of the galaxy? How about the farthest star in the whole galaxy?

How about the next galaxy over?

Because you can SEE these stars and galaxies with telescopes, see them with your own eyes, you know they are there. And you know how far away they are, because your scientists figured it out with those working brains I supplied. Even the nearest galaxy to you is more than 6,000 light years away, dude. That’s freaking far (to you, I mean. Not to Me.) But since you can see it anyway, you KNOW it’s been there longer than 6,000 years. You can see this with your own two eyes, you know it. And that galaxy is in the heavens, which I created, right along with the earth. But it wasn’t no 6,000 years ago. As We’ve just proven.

Do the Literalists have an alternative theory for what those twinkling lights in the sky are? Do they disavow the telescope as Satan’s tool? (Yeah, I’d like to see Satan grind lenses like that. How about credit where credit is due, Literalists?) Or do they simply believe those galaxies full of stars are just not that far away?

See, the Literalists may sound marginally sane on the evolution issue. Wrong, obviously, but marginally sane, at least with this “Intelligent Design” semantic trick. But give that thread a tug. It quickly becomes apparent that Creationism is their strongest subject. In Astronomy, they sound like barking loons. And of course, they fail Social Studies.

Yes, there is a Me. Yes, there is science. It is what I use to do most of My best work. I made monkeys, and I let ‘em stew a while, and voila! They turned into you. (Bravo on developing those opposable thumbs. Know what I thought the first time I saw them? Blogs! But that’s why I’m, well, Me.) And if you think that’s a neat trick, wait till you see what you all turn into. Hint: opposable big toes.

So don’t take the bible literally (not unless you are fluent in ancient Aramaic, and even then, it was a bitch getting any nuance into the thing.) If I’d been thinking it through, I would have written the thing in English, and I would have put in words like “Yo, dude!” instead of “sayeth” and “unto.” I mean, who talks like that anymore? The beauty and the magic of the work comes through, but if you pore over every line, you’re totally going to miss it. Glance at it from the side, circle it, absorb the gist, and you’ll see what I mean. But fixate on the minutiae, and you’ll end up thinking that opposing gay marriage is more important that loving your fellow man. And boy, was that NOT what I intended.

Oh, one last thing before I go. It’s OK to masturbate. As often as you like; practice makes perfect. Just be tidy, is all I ask. Its all I’ve ever asked.

So, I’m out of here. Have a great weekend. And remember—I’m not watching over you. That, my friends, is your job.