Hey, APW readers. God here. First off, I want to say how thrilled I am to be doing a semi-regular column here at APW. I’d like to write once a week, but my schedule is very hectic. Next week there is a solar system near the lip of the galaxy I need to obliterate, and there’s one scary-ass tsunami booked for Rigel IV. But whenever I can get away, I will. I’ve got wireless broadband, everywhere.

I thought I’d start off here by telling you a little about Myself. First off, I’m spiritual, but I’m really not religious.

Now, I know that will rankle some. So let me explain.

Of course I am spiritual. I mean, I am the great Holy Spirit That inhabits all things. That is about as spiritual as you can get. So why do I say I am not religious? Well, what I mean is, I don’t practice one specific religion. Most all of them are good. See, it doesn’t matter if you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Pagan, Buddhist, whatever. It’s all Me. I am the Great Spirit; I am the Eye in the Sky; I am Allah; I am Yahweh; I am Vishnu; I am Ganesh. I’ve got a lot of different tellers, but it’s all the Same Big Bank, if you see what I mean.

Which is why I don’t understand this “My God is bigger than your God” thing. Why fight over God, when its all Me? I’m talking about the Wahhabi Muslim, who thinks anyone who doesn’t worship Me in their fashion is an infidel and fair game for killing. I had nothing to do with 9/11 (although you gotta love my firemen, no?) And there aren't 72 virgins waiting for you in heaven; that isn't heaven, its Larry Flynt's house. All you get up here is a cloud, a robe, a harp, and all you can eat shrimp.

I’m also talking about the fundamentalist Christian who warns you that the Rapture is coming and you will go to hell if you don’t worship as he does and share his political agenda. Look, there is no Rapture, this is all a misunderstanding owing to some faulty interpretation of Revelations, which is otherwise one heck of a page turner. No mortal can tell you you are going to hell; that is my job, and mine alone. Some of these holier-than-thou fellas are actually in for a rude awakening come judgment day, wink wink.

No one who speaks for me claims to speak for me. That’s the deal I have with my earthly messengers. So anyone who presumes to talk to you on behalf of God is lying to you. If you aren’t sure about someone, or if you think you might be in danger of going to hell, don’t listen to anybody else. Talk directly to Me. I’m open 24/7, and I’m in the book.

Politically, I’m a flaming liberal. I’m far more left-leaning than the folks here at APW; they are socially liberal but fiscally conservative. Me, I’m a lefty from the old school. I’m all about tax and spend. It’s My way. And let Me be clear about gay marriage: if I didn’t want gay people getting married, I wouldn’t have made so many of them, would I? Hello, I'm not stupid!

My Son— now, He’s the original bleeding heart. Him, always with the “feed the hungry, clothe the naked, heal the lepers, make love not war.” And the long hair; He was a bit of a Hippie. In fact, let me tell you how you’ll know He’s about to return. None of that “mark of the beast” nonsense; as I say, Revelations was about the Romans being driven from Israel, and that happened a long time ago. No, here's how you’ll know He’s returning: Phish will reform. Boy, did he like Phish (he even co-opted a fish logo.) Me, I was never a fan. But the Boy loves them.

Personally I like the Stones. Well, let’s call it a grudging respect. I’ve been trying to kill Keith Richards since Exile On Main Street, but dude’s like a frigging cockroach. Nothing kills him. Oh well. At least I take solace in finding him that barber.

Anyway, enough about Me for now. What do you think of Me? Post your questions in the comments section, and in coming weeks I will try and get to them all.

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Oh, and memo to Madonna: that isn’t Kabala, you twit. That’s new age wrapped in a Jewish taco shell. What do you think, great learned Jews have been wearing red bands on their wrists since… oh, 2002? Pass me the Kabala water. Yeah, right…